Final Fantasy 4: The parody
by Big Al677
Summary: Remake of FF4, only now with humor and differences.
1. Chapter 1

Guys, I'm back with this story. It got taken off for some reason, idk why. But I decided to go and finish it.

I don't own any rights to final fantasy nor Nintendo.

Baron ships are flying back to Baron, well no shit.

Guard 1: Captain Cecil, we are almost to Baron.

Cecil: Whatever.

Guard 2: I wonder why Cecil is mad?

Guard 1: I'd be mad if I was only getting paid 20 for this mission.

Flashback

Cecil: Look, I don't want to hurt you, all I want is the crystal, I'll pay you for it.

Black Mage: Fire!

Cecil: Look, that did not even hurt, all I want is the cr-

White Mage: Cure!

Cecil: You're not even hurt, listen, I ju-

Elder: You will never take us alive!

Cecil: Fuck, kill them.

End Flashback

Guard 1: We killed innocent people, that king is one huge jackass.

Cecil: Shut up, we are almost there, just skip those evil monsters and take another way.

Pilot: Aye aye sir.

Cecil: Shut the hell up.

They land in Baron.

Baigan: Hello Cecil.

Cecil: Whats up ya flaming homo.

Baigan: I'm not gay, get that through your head.

Cecil: Yeah, whatever.

Baigan: Wait here.

Baigan goes into the Kings quarters.

Baigan: King, I don't think we can trust Cecil anymore, he seems impatient and keeps calling me gay.

King: Baigan, you are gay.

Baigan: NO I'M NOT! Cecil enter.

Cecil: Here is the crystal king.

King: Marvelous, here is your 20.

Cecil: Can I get 10 more, I need to buy Rosa a ring after cheating on her.

King: You dare ask me for more money, I strip you of your duties as leader of the Red Wings.

Cecil: Wait, how about 5.

King: Nope, you had a chance, you will now deliver this ring to the Summoner village.

Cecil: Why?

King: Because I said so, hey look theirs Kain, are you here to defend your friend.

Kain: What you talkin bout Willis.

King: What, you dare say the line of my favorite show, you will now go with him.

The Guards kick Cecil and Kain out of the King's quarters.

Kain: Dammit Cecil, ou got me in trouble.

Cecil: Oh well, guess we have to go to the summoner village.

Kain: You should get some rest, and talk to Rosa. She told me she wanted you so bad last night in bed.

Cecil: Wait, you talked to her in bed.

Kain: No, um, I gotta go.

Kain leaves, well he actually runs away. Cecil goes to bed trying to avoid Cid and his bad odor. That night.

Rosa: Hey Cecil, how was your mission.

Cecil: Sucked. I had to kill more people, why do they always try to fight me when I'm nice.

Rose: You wanna have sex.

Cecil: No, not right now.

Rosa: But I'm so horny, give me the love I need.

Cecil: Fine fine, my god you're a slut.

Rosa: Tee hee.

Next day.

Kain: Your ready.

Cecil: Nah, I don't even want to go.

Kain: Well too fucking bad.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys, I'm back, I was just busy with school, that's why I'm late on this chapter. Anyway, here it goes.

Chapter 2: From Mist to Sand.

Cecil: Are we getting closer, it seems that its just taking longer and longer in this stupid cave.

Kain: Cecil, we've been here for 10 minutes.

Cecil: Well, feels like an eternity.

Go Away, you shall not Pass.

Cecil: Who the fuck said that.

Kain: Who knows, anyway lets just get out of here quick, plus I'm missing Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Cecil: Fine, oh look, theres an opening out, lets go to the village and get this over with.

THE MIST, YOU SHALL NOT DEFEAT.

Cecil: Okay, that's just getting annoying now, who the hell are you.

Mist Dragon appears.

Mist Dragon: I am the Dragon of the Mist, I shall kill you.

Kain: For what?

Mist Dragon: I have my reasons, first I will attack you by hi-

Cecil cuts the Dragon's head off.

Kain: Damn Cecil, who knew you were that bloodthirsty and violent.

Cecil: I know, I need therapy.

Kain: Lets just go to the summoner village.

Kain and Cecil leave and arrive at the summoner village.

Cecil: Okay, lets deliver this bomb.

Kain: Uh, why are we delivering a bomb?

Cecil: I don't know, King ju-

Bomb comes out of Cecil and sends the city into flames.

Kain: Uh oh, this aint good aint it.

Cecil: Damn, I should have known, I'm such an idiot.

Kain: Cecil, this reminds me of the episode of Fresh Prince when Will burned down the kitchen.

Cecil: Kain, shut up. We have to find any survivors, and kill them.

Kain: But aren't you mad for burning down the village.

Cecil: No, I should have known we could have driven here.

Kain: Oh.

A very loud scream is heard.

Cecil: Oh no, a woman is in trouble. I must save her, than ask for her number.

Cecil and Kain arrive and see a little girl crying.

Cecil: Aw man, its just a little girl crying.

I already said that.

Cecil: Who cares?  
I do.

Cecil: Whatever, why are you crying little girl. (Taking his sword out silently)

Girl: My Mom died, someone killed the dragon of the mist.

Cecil: Oh shit.

Kain: Hey Cecil, this would not have to with the dragon you killed right?

Girl: What?

Cecil: Crap, we meant the dragon from dragon tales, he wasn't killed, he was uhhh, drinking dragon drinks with his friend.

Girl: I'm not stupid, I know what you said,

Kain: The king sent us to kill everyone in this village, including her.

Cecil: Oh, okay. (Cecil lifts his sword up about to strike her)

Kain: You feel no remorse.

Cecil: Nah.

Kain: Damn, you bad.

Girl: (In very deep voice) YOU HAVE KILLED MY MOTHER, YOU SHALL PAY A PRICE TO HELL.

She then summons Titan.

Cecil: Oh Shit.

Titan causes an earthquake and the whole town blows up. Cecil is found KO'd with the Girl. I hope they are dead.

Cecil: Oh, my achin head.

Crap.

Cecil: Woo, that girl is like a demon, I must kill her while she is down.

Cecil is about to strike her, but decides not to.

Cecil: Man, I cant kill a little girl, that would be horrible. I'll just take her to the Inn then leave her there.

Cecil the realizes Kain is nowhere to be found.

Cecil: Kain, ah who cares. I can get some peace and quiet without hearing any shit about sitcom on Nick at Night.

Cecil carries the Girl to the Inn at the town which name I forgot.

Innkeeper: 2 people, that will be 500 gil.

Cecil: What, this girl could die, charge her for free.

Innkeeper: Oh, you got a girl with you too, its now 1000 gil.

Cecil: You better give me tha night for free or I'll cut your throat and watch you die a slow, horrible, death.

Innkeeper: (Scared) Ok ok, you can have the room for free. Please, I have a wife and 4 kids that are not mine.

Cecil: Thank you sir.

Cecil puts the girl on a bed.

Cecil: Hey you Ok, look, I'm sorry I tried to kill you. But I was bloodthirsty, but I'm not anymore.

Girl: Whatever.

Cecil goes to bed and the General and his 2 guards come in the middle of the night.

General: Cecil, you must hand over the girl.

Cecil: Why, she's just a girl.

General: She has special powers called summoning, she must be killed.

Cecil: Why cant we just use her as a weapon for Baron.

General: Wars would be too easy. Hand her over.

Cecil: Nah, shes cool.

General: I must take her by force then.

Cecil uses dark attack killing the 2 guards and hurting the General.

General: This is some fucked up shit, I'm outta here.

General runs away screaming like a girl.

Girl: Hey, are you okay.

Cecil: Yeah I'm fine. Just lost about 77 HP.

Girl: Oh, anyway thanks.

Cecil: Okay, I hope you have a nice life here in whats this town's name.

Girl: I'm coming with you. My name is Rydia by the way.

Cecil: Nope, you cant come.

Rydia: But I have no family anymore, my mom's dead.

Cecil: Crap, fine you can come, but no being annoying.

Rydia: Okay. Bit no being an idiot.

The next morning, Cecil and Rydia are walking around town.

Some guy: There was some blond whore found in the dessert. She is sick I heard.

Cecil heres this and immediately thinks Rosa.

Cecil: Rosa is sick, oh no, she is the only girl left I can have.

Cecil runs in the house and sees Rosa in the bed.

Cecil: What happened?  
Woman: She got sand fever walking through the dessert trying to find a guy named Cecil.

Cecil: Why did she do that?

Woman: She was horny I guess.

Cecil: Oh, well how do I cure it.

Woman: You must find the Sand Ruby from the Antilion cave.

Rydia: Where can we find this cave?

Woman: Some pussy prince in Damycan might know how to get there, but you first must go through the Water Cave.

Cecil: Well, I guess we have to get this Sand Ruby.

Rydia: Ok, so lets get to that cave.

Cecil: Fine, hey want to play a game while we walk there.

Rydia: No.

Cecil and Rydia walk to the water cave and see a old man standing in the cave.

Old man: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

Cecil: Hey old man, wake up.

Old man: Huh, wha.

Rydia: You were sleeping in the middle of the cave, state your name.

Tellah: My name is Tellah, I'm a sage. I was once only a mage, it was back in 1879, when NI went to school in Mysidia, I told the, the…….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Cecil: WAKE UP, why are you here.

Tellah: Huh wha.. oh, I'm trying to get to Damycan to save my daughter from that bard from Damycan.

Cecil: Oh, so you know how to get to Damycan.

Tellah: Yes, I do.

Rydia: Lead us there, and fast old man.

Tellah: Yeah okay, whats you two names

Cecil: That is Rydia and I'm Cecil.

Tellah: Okay Billy.

Cecil: Crap, what have we've gotten ourselves into.

Rydia: Who knows?

Okay, that was a pretty long chapter, but the next one will be a bit longer I think. I'm doing up to Mt. Hobs. Okay see ya all next time.

R&R.


	3. Water Cave to Mt Hobs

Chapter 3 is here, and it is pretty long.

Chapter 3:cowards, evil, and Monks.

Our heroes, a man, a girl, and a old man, are trying to save the world, God help us. Anyway, they are traveling through the water cave.

Tellah: Watch out Billy, giant fish behind you.

Cecil: My name is Cecil, and it is a harmless fish, who gives a crap.

Rydia: Hey look, we can make camp here, this cave is long and simple, so we can pass it tomorrow.

Tellah: Then we can fight the Octomaam.

Rydia: Whats that?

Tellah: A giant Octopus, no one has been able to cross its path, anyone who had, died.

Rydia: Then why didn't we go the other way, isn't there like a water hole that takes us straight to Damycan.

Tellah: No, or is there?

Later that night.

Cecil: Well Rydia is fast asleep, anyway old man, why do you need to get to Damycan.

Tellah: Some Bard has kidnapped my daughter, and is making nlove to her everyday.

Cecil: Bard? Arent they gay.

Tellah: Well this one isn't, he's spoony.

Cecil: What the fuck does that mean?

Next Morning.

Rydia: We are almost to the Octomaam guys, we just need to go into the water.

They go into it and see the giant octopuss, and it is mad.

Tellah: Quick, use ice on it little girl.

Rydia: That wont do anything, we need to use thunder.

Tellah: Wait a minute, where am

Cecil: Dumbass, look I'll go and slay it, with my new and improved dark sword.

Cecil attacks and gets hit badly.

Rydia: Idiots. This is so easy.

Rydia uses thunder and kills the Octomaam.

Tellah: Oh, I remember, we must kill the octomaam.

Cecil: She already did old man, who would've guessed lightining is strong against water.

Rydia shakes her head.

They are right outside of Damycan and see it get attacked by a barrage of ships in a few seconds. They go inside to see the carnage.

Cecil: Damn, they wrecked this place badly.

Rydia: How the hell did this happen in a matter of 5 seconds.

Tellah: ANNA!

Tellah sees Anna laying on the floor with a spear through her.

Tellah: How many times do I have to tell you, don't wear that skirt, its too short.

Rydia: SHE'S ALMOST DEAD. Wait, how did she get attacke with a spear in a matter of 5 seconds.

Cecil: Hey look, theres the bard.

Bard: (In British Accent) Ello there, I know you are mad, but I ca-\

Tellah: You spoony bard.

Tellah attacks the Bard with his cane, Edward cries in pain.

Cecil: Damn, he really is a pussy, he's getting beat up by an old man.

Anna: FATHER, STOP! Edward did not kill me, Golbez attacked and killed his parents, and I shielded him from the attack with the spear.

Cecil: You shielded him, damn, he really is a huge pussy.

Edward: I was scared, Golbez was oh so big a strong.

Tellah: Anna, don't die, I have nobody.

Anna: Good. Edward, I always felt like the man in the relationship, maybe one day you can become a man, not a little girl, goodbye the love of my life, well not my life.

Edward: ANNA!

Tellah: Golbez is dead, I will destroy him.

Tellah jumps out of the window, takes his clothes off, and runs down the plains.

Cecil: Thank Goodness, he's gone.

Rydia: Stop crying Edward, my mom's dead, I'm not crying, so act like a man.

Edward: Leave me alone, I just want to lay next to Anna.

Cecil: Dude, she's dead, get over it. Plus, that's fuckin nasty. I need your help, my girlfriend has the sand fever, its deadly. Plus she's horny.

Edward: I'll help, the sand ruby is in the antilion cave, I'll help you.

Rydia: You sure your not going to cry.

Edward: No, I wont.

They go to the antilion cave, go through it, oh and Edward cries about 7 times during the trip.

Edward: There is the antilion, its pretty ugly, but its nice.

The Antilion comes out and is foaming from the mouth.

Cecil: It doesn't look so nice, it looks dangerous.

Edward: Don't be so silly, he's just happy.

The Antilion is on its back gasping for air.

Rydia: It doesn't look like it feels good.

Edward: Nah, he's fine.

Edward takes the sand ruby.

Edward: Lets go guys.

The Antilion dies of dehydration, the flu, 10 stabs to the heart, blood loss, cancer, and any other form of torture or sickness you can think of.

Cecil and Co. go back to the place where Rosa is and use the sand ruby.

Rosa: Uh, hot, sick, and horny.

Cecil uses the sand ruby.

Rosa: Wha, Cecil, you saved my life.

Cecil: Ya damn right, nobody makes love like you do. Oh this is Edward and Rydia, Edward helped save you.

Rydia: What about me, I slayed the Octo-

Cecil: Shut up.

Rydia looks pissed.

Rosa: Oh, Cecil, Baron is planning to destroy Fabul, so we should go and save them.

Cecil: Why?

Rosa: Because, they make the Viagra you use.

Cecil: Really? We must go there then.

Edward: But Mt. Hobs is blocked by Ice, we need to burn it.

Rydia: I know how to do fire, I can melt the ice.

Cecil: You know fire?

Rydia: Its only the most basic Black magic move ever, geez you guys are dumb.

Rosa: Well atleast I know what to wear to bed.

Rydia: What?

That Night, Edward goes and plays his harp.

Edward: Anna, I miss you so much. I didn't even give you a funeral.

A Water Hag Appears.

Edward: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Edward runs in to the inn like a girl.

Anna: Edward, you must be br-, ah fuck it.

Next Morning

Cecil: Everyone set to go.

Rydia: I'm hungry.

Cecil: Have this chocolate bar.

Rydia: It smells funny.

Cecil: Because it aint chocolate.

Rydia: OO

At Mr. Hobs

Rydia: Fire.

She melts the ice.

Edward: Good job Rydia.

Rydia: Thanks, by the way, were you crying last night.

Edward: No.

The gang travel a bit and find some guy and bombs.

Monk: I will fight you to death.

Cecil: Heh heh, that guy is going to get his ass kicked.

Rosa: He has one sexy bod.

Rydia: Is all you ever think about is sex.

Rosa: Yes, what else is there.

Rydia: sighs

The Monk kills the Bomb and big bomb.

Monk: Why the hell didn't you help me.

Cecil: Its none of our business.

Monk: I guess, my name is Yang, I am a high class monk from fabul.

Edward: Fabul is going to be attacked by Baron.

Yang: Really? Well let them come. I will make them cry for mercy as he stands before the almighty YANG. I WILL DESTROY ALL OF THEM WITH BRUTE STRENGTH AND CLAW THEIR EYES OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS. I WILL SEE THEM CRY FOR MERCY AS THEY KNOW IT WILL BE THEIR LAST DAY ON EARTH. I AM THE BEST EVER, I AM BRUTAL, MOST RUTHLESS MAN EVER. NO ONE CAN STOP ME. I'M ALEXANDER THEY AINT NO ALEXANDER, MY STYLE IS IMPETUIOUS, MY DEFENCE IS IMPREGANABLE, I WANT THEIR HEART, I WANT TO EAT THEIR CHILDREN.

Edward: OO

Rosa: OO

Rydia: OO

Cecil: OO. I guess we'll help you.

Yang: Okay.

Damn that was long, Next chapter up maybe Thursday.


	4. Fresh Prince of Golbez

Sorry I'm late on this chapter, not as long this time around.

Chapter 4: The Fresh Prince of Golbez

Cecil Rydia, Rosa, Yang, and Edward all arrive at Fabul, ready for the war at hand.

King: So you guys are saying that there will be a attack coming to take the crystal.

Cecil: Yep, that's the thing.

Edward: They will be big strong men.

King: Edward, now I do believe you guys, no one would bring Edward with them, will you help in battle.

Yang: They will, I said so.

Cecil: Yeah, whatever, Rydia watch Rosa, make sure she don't hit on the monks.

Rydia: Have more respect for her will ya.

Rosa: (Talking to monk) You're a strong man aren't you.

Rydia: sigh

Battle time

Yang: HERE THEY COME, LETS KILL EM.

Cecil: Calm down Yang, geez.

Yang rips the neck off the two monster. Cannonballs are hitting the kingdom.

Yang: I WILL DEFEAT THEM WIKTH AN IRON KNIFE.

Yang goes to fight, but Cecil grabs him and brings him inside.

Cecil: We will be safe now.

One of Yang's soldiers unlock the door.

Edward: OH MY GOD, HE'S A MONSTER.

Cecil: You think. Dumbass.

Cecil and Yang (Edward was hiding) defeat the disguised monster and monster coming through.  
Cecil: I think we should go into the crystal room.

Yang: No, lets make these soldiers suffer.

Cecil: Lets fall back.

Cecil Yang and Edward run to the crystal room, Edward falls.

Edward: CECIL, KAIN, HELP ME!

Cecil: Edward fell, keep going.

Cecil and Yang go into the crystal room, hearing Edward's cries for help.

Cecil: Heh heh heh, lets just hide here.

Yang: Here we will be safe, I hate being safe.

Cecil: Wow, someone more violent than me.

Someone walks through the door, and it's a familiar face.

Cecil: KAIN, shit.

Kain: Hello Cecil, how have you been.

Cecil: Better until you came, anyway, help us fight.

Kain: Okay, how about 2 on 1.

Cecil: I'm not talking about sex with Rosa, I'm talking about fighting Baron.

Kain: You don't get it, Cecil, remember when Will betrayed Carlton's trust by going out with Paula.

Cecil: Yeah, so.

Kain: I am Legend then.

Cecil: What? Hey wait a mi…

Kain beats up Cecil badly.

Kain: Say goodbye Carlton.

Rosa and Rydia come to the room.

Rosa: Kain, what the hell? Why are you killing sexy man.

Kain: (Dog noise) Rawr.

Rosa: Kain, you are still inside there, unlock yourself like you unlocked your private to me.

?: Muahahahahahahahaha.

Rydia: Who the hell is that?

Golbez: IT IS I, GOLBEZ. I am the powerful tyrant running Baron.

Rosa: Damn he's fine.

Yang: Dawg, I'll run over you like a Bulldog Bitch. BARK BARK BARK!  
Yang charges at Golbez, Golbez shoots thunder at him.

Yang: Yang don't go down that easy.

Yang faints.

Golbez: Kain, take the crystal.

Kain: Sure thing G.

Golbez: I'm not Geoffrey. Hey, what are you doing.

Rosa: I'm Rosa. Like John Cena says, you want some come get some.

Rosa starts taking off her shirt.

Golbez: Oooh, sex. I'll take her too.

Kain: C, I'll see you later.

Golbez, Kain and Slu- I mean Rosa leave.

Rydia: CURE!

Yang and Cecil are cured.

Yang: Thanks Rydia. We owe you won.

Cecil: Kain has betrayed me. We must get back naked girl.

Rydia: You mean Rosa?

Cecil: I guess. Hey where's Edward.

Rydia: I don't know, I didn't see him in the other room. Maybe he's dead.

Cecil: Oh well. Lets rest fo tomorrow is a big day.

Yang: Yang don't sleep.

Cecil: Shut up.

The Next Morning at the dock.

Yang's wife: Yang, don't come back soon, I can finally have some peace and quiet.

Yang: Yeah, whatever.

Cecil: See ya Yang's wife.

Yang's wife: See ya.

Rydia: Its amazing her name is actually Yang's wife.

Yang: Bitch.

The boat starts sailing until it is stopped.

Captain: Oh no, Its Leviathan. I should have took another way.

Cecil: WHAT? Theres another way.

Rydia falls off the boat.

Yang: Oh no, bitch overboard.

Yang jumps off the boat in an attempt to save Rydia.

Cecil: Okay, I got a plan. We c-

Boat gets sucked into warp pool.

Cecil is washed ashore.

Cecil: Uh, my head. Its amazing I have survived all these close calls.

Cecil gets up, and realized Yang and Rydia are missing.

Cecil: Man, hope they are okay.

Cecil gets up and starts walking to a nearby town.

Cecil: Mysydia? Home of the Mages. Crap.

Cecil walks in and is berated by curse words.

Cecil: Yeah, fuck you too. Yeah, I killed them. Whatever. Yes, I shat on that Black Mage. Yeah, his name was Earl.

Cecil walks in to the castle.

Elder: State your name.

Cecil: I am Cecil, captain of the Redwings.

Elder: Whatever. Are you here to become a Paladin.

Cecil: No, I need to get to Baron.

Elder: Well you must first become a Paladin.

Cecil: Fine. What do I need to do.

Elder: You must go to Mt. Ordeals, Its pretty much looks like Mt. Hobs, and pick up the sword.

Cecil: Away I go.

Elder: NO. You cant go, I will send you with two mages.

Cecil: Uh, why?

Elder: Because I said so. Palom, Porom.

Palom and Porom appear.

Palom: Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.

Porom: Pleased to meet you.

Cecil: Hi, I'm Cecil.

Palom: Waaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppp.

Cecil: Okay. Porom, you're a cute little girl.

Porom: Are you calling me fat. (Goes to a corner and cries)

Palom: This shit is going to be awesome.

Cecil: Oh Shit.

Sorry it took long for me to update. I'm on vacation now, so I may be able to get some chapters in.


End file.
